Funny 015

Are You A Genealogist ???

(Carol Botteron's suggested poster (1993) ... we could add some more now !!


* wide-brimmed hat to ward off sun and rain in cemeteries.
* trifocal glasses.
* sticky tongue from licking stamps.
* muscular right arm from cranking microfilm readers.
* carpal tunnel syndrome from using computer.
* writer's cramp from taking notes.
* shirt with large pockets for pencils and membership cards.
* vest with pedigree chart on back for others to read.
* coin changer on belt for photocopy machines.
* knee pads for finding books on low shelves.
* sensible shoes.


* portable computer.
* camera with black-and-white film for gravestones.
* many file folders with charts.
* pencils of various colors.
* peanut butter sandwiches.
* aspirin.
* caffeine pills.

We Are What We Are

There were the Scots,
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh,
Who prayed on their knees
and on their neighbours.

Thirdly, there were the Irish,
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English,
Who considered themselves a self made nation,
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.


* 43% of all statistics are useless.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ...
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* A day without sunshine is like ... night.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* A gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
* All generalizations are false.
* Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Anyone who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.
* Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
* At least a stopped clock is right twice a day.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
* Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.
* Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
* By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Comfortable truth isn't.
* Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
* Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.
* Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
* Everyone has a photographic memory; some don't have film.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
* First things first! But not necessarily in that order.
* Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* Fools rush in--and get all the best seats.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* He who laughs, lasts.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.
* He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.
* Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* How would we measure hail without golf balls?
* Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
* I am not evil. Just divinely challenged.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* I think of my body as a temple, or at least a reasonably well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
* I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
* If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of?
* If a turtle loses it's shell ... is it naked or homeless?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
* If the word "Arkansas" is pronounced "Arkansaw," why isn't "Kansas" pronounced "Kansaw"?
* If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
* If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
* If we are to better the future, we must disturb the present.
* If you believe everything is going well, you probably don't know what's going on.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.
* If you don't know what you're saying, don't.
* If you never go off on a tangent, you are doomed to going in circles.
* If you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.
* If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favour.
* I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
* I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose--until you lose.
* It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
* It's not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it's how he found out.
* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up, gets it backwards.
* Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
* Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn.
* No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
* Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet.
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
* Opportunities are not lost, they just go to someone else.
* People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
* President Clinton has voiced support for school uniforms to cut down on violence. Yeah, it sure has done wonders for the Postal Service.
* Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill ... check 3 friends ... if they're okay, you're it.
* Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
* Rumour travels faster, but it don't stay as long as truth!
* Schizophrenia beats the heck out of being alone.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
* Some minds are like concrete - all mixed up and permanently set.
* Some people are wise, and some are otherwise.
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* Success is generally due to holding on...and failure to letting go.
* Tell a man there are 300 million stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to make sure.
* The beatings will continue until morale improves.
* The best reason for the right thing today is tomorrow.
* The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
* The second day of a diet is always easier than the first ... by the second day you're off it.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* There are three ways to get something done:
1. do it yourself
2. hire someone
3. forbid your kids to do it.
* They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
* Things are more like they are today then they ever were before.
* Those with the best advice usually offer no advice.
* Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
* What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* When at loss for the right word to say ... try silence.
* When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
* When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
* When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* When you're in up to your nose, keep your mouth shut.
* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Why do STAND-up comedians star in SITcoms?
* Why is the word abbreviation so long?
* Why, in a country where there is free speech, are there phone bills?
* Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
* Would a fly without wings be a "walk"?
* You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Count Your Blessings

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped him onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and his damaged motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns to the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched, and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them, and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day!!

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E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.

Nov 1, 2001