Funny 010

Ode to Ancestors

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why, oh why
Can't I find you?

No forwarding address
Did you leave behind
I am really going
Right out of my mind.


If you could see your Ancestors
All standing in a row,
Could you be proud of them
Or don't you really know?

Some strange discoveries are made
In climbing family trees
And some of them sometimes do not
Particularly please.

If you could see your Ancestors
All standing in a row,
There might be some of them, perhaps
You wouldn't care to know.

But here is another question
Which requires a different view
If you could meet your Ancestors
Would they be proud of YOU?

Lament of an American Genealogist

Charting my American family tree,
Is like tracing a mongrel dog's pedigree.
Records of my family's kith and kin,
Show up English, Scotch, French, and a few Welshmen.

It's a jumble of families who use the same names.
That is, nine brothers will have a son named "James".
Cousins marry cousins and in-laws do wed.
If one wife dies, he'll take her sister to bed.

One uncle of mine traveled far from his land;
He wanted a wife who wasn't kin to his clan,
When he brought her home and figured her lines,
She was a cousin to him for twenty-two times.

A wise child is one who knows his own sire;
A genealogist has to assume the mother's no liar.
Non-Aryan races trace descent through the mother;
I consider this method more accurate than any other.

But I've traced all my lines through the father too
And patiently chased down every clue.
Now that my charts all completed and framed under glass,
I'm proud I'M an American - 100% middle class.

Uncle ' T '

Poor Uncle "T" was propped up in a corner with a blank look on his face. Those who knew said he was working too hard, burning his candle at both ends. The end came fast. It sounds terrible, but I will say it anyway ... "I'm glad he's gone."

Uncle "T" was a nuisance. We welcomed him into our home several years ago and haven't enjoyed a moment's peace since.

Uncle "T" taught the children to fight, dance and pet. He told them that whiskey, wine, and beer were good for them. He dearly loved to talk. He could so fascinate Mother for hours with his stories that meals and housework were sometimes neglected.

Even Father was taken in by Uncle "T"s knowledge of world affairs. Many times Uncle "T" would talk to Father way into the wee hours of the morning. Folks could not eat or sleep because of him. Uncle "T" kept the family away from worship sometimes, but he could preach a good sermon when he wanted to. He was good and he was bad. He taught the children to curse and to pray. He worked our arithmetic and showed us how to pick pockets. He charmed us and he gave us headaches, and then told us how to doctor them. He talked us into buying things we did not need.

But all is quiet since Uncle "T" finished his course. The children are happier, Dad has his meals on time, and Mother has time to read the Bible.

But guess what! Uncle "T" can be revived for only $39.50! The repairman says he just needs a new tube. What should we do???

Major Technological Breakthrough

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

The media is ideal for long term archive use, several field trials have proven that the media will still be readable in several centuries, and because of its simple user interface it will be compatible with future reading devices.

The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (Pencils).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.

Look for a flood of new titles soon.

LIGHT BULB - Mail List Style

Q: How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,309:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts ARE relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too".
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose a new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what lis-elib was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb

main index

E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.

Nov 1, 2001