The children of a prominent family chose to give their patriarch a book of their family's history. The biographer they hired was warned of one problem.
Uncle Willie, the "Black Sheep," had gone to Sing Sing's Electric chair for murder.
The writer carefully handled the situation in the following way:
"Uncle Willie occupied a chair of applied electronics at one of our nation's leading institutions. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a true shock."
Discovering that his ancestor had been hanged as a horse thief, a researcher went on to describe the incident like this:
"Great grandfather died after the platform gave way while he was speaking at a public ceremony ..."
Then there was the family that had connections to the legendary Jesse James. Next to his name they had written:
"Mr, James was well known within the judiciary system of this country."
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son,
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
"Got any boys?" the Marshal said
To a lady from over the Rhine;
And the lady shook her flaxen head,
And civilly answered, "Nein!"
"Got any girls?" the Marshal said
To the lady from over the Rhine;
And again the lady shook her head,
And civilly answered, "Nein!"
"But some are dead?" the Marshal said
To the lady from over the Rhine;
And again the lady shook her flaxen head,
And civilly answered, "Nein!"
"Husband of course?" the Marshal said
To the lady from over the Rhine;
And again she shook her flaxen head,
And civilly answered, "Nein!"
"The devil you have!" the Marshal said
To the lady from over the Rhine;
And again she shook her flaxen head,
And civilly answered, "Nein!"
"Now what do you mean by shaking your head,
And always answering 'Nine'?"
"Ich kann nicht Englisch!" civilly said
The lady from over the Rhine.
A Cow-cocky was filling in the census form.
In answer to the question 'Length of residence in Australia?' he wrote:
"Thirty feet, ten inches, with a verandah front and two sides."
The census taker told the mayor of the little bush town that he was puzzled about the town's population. For the past five years that he'd been on the job the population was the same - 1,503.
"Must be something wrong."
"No" said the mayor, "It's always been 1,503."
"But don't you have babies?"
"Yep," said the mayor, "and everytime we do some bloke has to leave town."
A Census official was assisting a farmer's wife to fill in her forms.
"How many children have you got?" he asked.
"Six," she replied. "Three sets of twins."
"How very extraordinary," said the census man. "Twins every time."
"Oh no," she said with a blush. "Not every time. Hundreds of times, nothing!"
A young woman answered the door for the census taker and told him her husband had died five years ago. The official noted that down, then asked if she had any children.
"Yes, three," she said. "Aged one, two and five."
The official queried this. "Didn't you say your husband was dead?"
"Yes. He is but I'm not!"
When a lady explained to the census taker that she had five children, he was astounded to learn that they were all born two years apart, and all on August 12.
"What's your husband's profession?" he asked.
"Precision grinder," she replied.
The census taker went to another door and the woman who answered told him she had four children.
"But I am definately not having any more."
"Why?" said the official.
"Because I read in a magazine that every fifth child born in the world is
Chinese."
A bishop invited a young priest over for dinner and during the meal, the priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the bishop and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the bishop and said, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The bishop said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the bishop received a letter from the young priest,
which read: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper.
But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would
have found the gravy ladle by now."
Then strove the judge with main and might
The sounding consonants to write;
But when the day was almost gone
He found his work not nearly done,
His ears assailed most woefully
With names like Rhys ap Gruffydd Ddu,
Aneurin, Iorwerth, Ieuan Goch,
And Llywarch Hen o Abersoch,
Taliesin ap Llewellyn Fawr
And Llun ap Arthur bach y Cawr.
Until at length, in sheer despair,
He doffed his wig and tore his hair,
And said he would no longer stand
The surnames of our native land.
Take ten, he said, and call them Rice;
Another ten and call them Price;
Take fifty others, call them Pughs';
A hundred more, I'll call them Hughes;
Now Roberts name some hundred score;
And Williams, name a legion more.
And call, he moaned in languid tones,
Call all the other thousands - Jones.
E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.
Nov 1, 2001