Funny 002

Medical Dictionary

* Benign   . . . What you be after you be eight
* Artery   . . . The study of paintings.
* Bacteria   . . . Back door to cafeteria.
* Barium   . . . What doctors do when patients die.
* Cesarean Section   . . . A neighborhood in Rome.
* Catscan   . . . Searching for kitty.
* Cauterize   . . . Made eye contact with her.
* Colic   . . . A sheep dog.
* Coma   . . . A punctuation mark.
* D & C   . . . Where Washington is.
* Dilate   . . . To live long.
* Enema   . . . Not a friend.
* Fester   . . . Quicker than someone else.
* Fibula   . . . A small lie.
* Genital   . . . Non-Jewish person.
* G.I. Series   . . . World Series of military baseball.
* Hangnail   . . . What you hang your coat on.
* Impotent   . . . Distinguished, well known.
* Labor Pain   . . . Getting hurt at work.
* Medical Staff   . . . A Doctor's cane.
* Morbid   . . . A higher offer than I bid.
* Nitrates   . . . Cheaper than day rates.
* Node   . . . "Was aware of".
* Outpatient   . . . A person who has fainted.
* Pap Smear   . . . A fatherhood test.
* Post Operative   . . . A letter carrier.
* Pelvis   . . . A second cousin to Elvis.
* Recovery Room   . . . Place to do upholstery.
* Rectum   . . . Damn near killed him.
* Secretion   . . . Hiding something.
* Seizure   . . . Roman emperor.
* Tablet   . . . A small table.
* Terminal Illness   . . . Getting sick at the airport.
* Tumor   . . . More than one.
* Urine   . . . Opposite of you're out.
* Varicose   . . . Near by / close by.
* Vein   . . . Conceited.

A Short History of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

Doctor's Diagnosis

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.

What with Medicare and Blue Cross
Wouldn't hurt to do some tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped
My aging frame displayed.

Strapped upon an ice-cold table
While my gizzards were X-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud.

While they shoved long needles in me
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over
Probed and pushed and poked around.

And to make sure I was living
Had me wired up for sound.

They have finlly concluded
Their results have filled a page.

What I have will someday kill me
My affliction is OLD AGE!!!!!!

The Shipwrecked Engineer

An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly, and the ship went down. He was swept to the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other than some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. She was blessed with wonderful assets.

When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

"There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she sad. "Where do you live?"

The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope.

They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?"

"No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke."

"I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something lighter and more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied excited, his heart pounding heavily, and moving closer to her. "Tell me....Do you have an Internet connection?"

Van Cogh's Relatives

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced "go" by some people) had many relatives. Among them were:

* His obnoxious brother   . . . Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes   . . . Gotta Gogh
* The brother who worked at a convenience store   . . . Stop & Gogh
* The grandfather from Yugoslavia   . . . U Gogh
* The brother who bleached his clothes white   . . . Hue Gogh
* His dizzy aunt   . . . Verti Gogh
* The cousin from Illinois   . . . Chica Gogh
* His magician uncle   . . . Wherediddy Gogh
* His Mexican cousin   . . . Amee Gogh
* The Mexican cousin's American half brother   . . . Grin Gogh
* The nephew who drove a stage coach   . . . Wells Far Gogh
* The constipated uncle   . . . Cant Gogh
* The ballroom dancing aunt   . . . Tan Gogh
* The bird lover uncle   . . . Flamin Gogh
* His nephew psychoanalyst   . . . E Gogh
* The fruit loving cousin   . . . Man Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking   . . . Wayto Gogh
* The little nephew   . . . Poe Gogh
* A sister who loved disco   . . . Ahgo Gogh
* His niece who travels the country in a van   . . . Winnie Bay Gogh
* A stepbrother with travelling hands   . . . Lemme Gogh
* Another nephew who overstayed his welcome   . . . Willie Gogh
* His British cousin, the drummer   . . . Ring Gogh
* . . . . . . . Or was that one   . . . Bong Gogh?

Now, it's time to Gogh!

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E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.

Nov 1, 2001