Funny 001


I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;

A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;

A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my *ss in jail --
I'd mentioned 'Sony' in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;

One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.

Each day I scan each Subject: line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...

You know you're addicted to genealogy ...

* When you brake for libraries.
* When you get locked in the library overnight and don't even notice.
* When you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
* If you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
* When you think every home should have a microfilm reader.
* If you'd rather read census schedules than a good book.
* When you know the town clerk in every county by name.
* If town clerks lock the door when they see you coming.
* When you're more interested in what happened in 1797 than 1997.
* If you store your clothing under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals.
* If you can pinpoint Kirkcaldy and Inverness on a map but you're still not sure if Whitehorse is in the Yukon or the Northwest Territories.
* When all your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin".
* If you've traced your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented, and still don't want to quit.

I climbed my family tree

I climbed my family tree and found it was not worth the climb;
And so, I scampered down, convinced it was a waste of time.
Some branches of my tree, I found, were rotten to the core.
And, all the tree was full of sap and hung with nuts galore!
I used to brag of my kinfolk, before I made the climb,
but truth compels me not to tell of those not worth a dime.
And I beg friends who boast aloud of their ancestors great,
To climb their family tree and learn of those who weren't so straight.
I've learned what family trees are like, I've seen them growing 'round.
They're like a 'tater' vine because, the best are underground!

Actual Business Signs

* On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

* Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

* In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

* On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

* On a Front Door:
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

* At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you can't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

* On a Scientist's door:
"Gone Fission"

* On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

* In a Podiatrist's window:
"Time wounds all heels."

* On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."

* On another Butcher's window:
"Pleased to meat you."

* At a Used Car Lot:
"Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

* On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

* At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

* Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

* Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

* At an Auto Body Shop:
"May we have the next dents?"

* In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

* On a desk in a Reception Room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

* In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

* On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

* At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

* In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"

* On the side of a Garbage Truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

* On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

* In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

* Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

* In a Cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

* On the door of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minuet."

* In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

* In a Counsellor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

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E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.

Nov 1, 2001