I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,
But seven people gave me hell
And said I ought to learn to spell;
A posted message called me rotten
For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
An angry message asked me, Please
Don't send such drivel overseas;
A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my *ss in jail --
I'd mentioned 'Sony' in my gem
And failed to add the T and M;
One netter thought it was a hoax:
"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
Another called my grammar vile
And criticized my writing style.
Each day I scan each Subject: line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet ...
| * | When you brake for libraries. |
| * | When you get locked in the library overnight and don't even notice. |
| * | When you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery. |
| * | If you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall. |
| * | When you think every home should have a microfilm reader. |
| * | If you'd rather read census schedules than a good book. |
| * | When you know the town clerk in every county by name. |
| * | If town clerks lock the door when they see you coming. |
| * | When you're more interested in what happened in 1797 than 1997. |
| * | If you store your clothing under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals. |
| * | If you can pinpoint Kirkcaldy and Inverness on a map but you're still not sure if Whitehorse is in the Yukon or the Northwest Territories. |
| * | When all your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin". |
| * | If you've traced your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented, and still don't want to quit. |
| I climbed my family tree and found it was not worth the climb; |
| And so, I scampered down, convinced it was a waste of time. |
| Some branches of my tree, I found, were rotten to the core. |
| And, all the tree was full of sap and hung with nuts galore! |
| I used to brag of my kinfolk, before I made the climb, |
| but truth compels me not to tell of those not worth a dime. |
| And I beg friends who boast aloud of their ancestors great, |
| To climb their family tree and learn of those who weren't so straight. |
| I've learned what family trees are like, I've seen them growing 'round. |
| They're like a 'tater' vine because, the best are underground! |
* On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
* Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
* In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
* On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."
* On a Front Door:
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
* At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you can't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
* On a Scientist's door:
"Gone Fission"
* On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
* In a Podiatrist's window:
"Time wounds all heels."
* On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."
* On another Butcher's window:
"Pleased to meat you."
* At a Used Car Lot:
"Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
* On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
* At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
* Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
* Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
* At an Auto Body Shop:
"May we have the next dents?"
* In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."
* On a desk in a Reception Room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd
one just left."
* In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
* On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
* At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
* In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"
* On the side of a Garbage Truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
* On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
* In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up."
* Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
* In a Cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want."
* On the door of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minuet."
* In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
* In a Counsellor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
E-mail contributions to Rob Nelson.
Nov 1, 2001